All of our Underwear is Missing.

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The mess before the bedlam.

          The mess before the bedlam.

Earlier this year Rachel went on holiday leaving me in charge of the house and the girls. I thought it would be a good idea to redecorate and install new radiators and carpets at the same time. What could possibly go wrong………..? Below are my Facebook posts chronicling the 12 days she was away.

30th March

So Rach has gone away for 12 days and today was the first day I was solely responsible for the girls getting to school. I had strict instructions and a long list from Rach of what to do including the 324 arrangements and after school stuff the girls have. What could possibly go wrong? For starters I overslept and then got distracted playing Crossy Road. When I went downstairs the girls had both suddenly remembered they had homework and Katie was losing it as she couldn’t do it. I forgot someone was coming to pick up my car at 8am and in rushing to take stuff out the car my shoes got covered in mud which then went all over the stairs as I ran upstairs looking for missing uniform which I couldn’t find. As a result of this Katie ended up wearing a strange skirt I found buried in the lounge somewhere. Just as we were about to leave we, (ok, I) realised I hadn’t made the packed lunches properly and threw stuff in and as a result of this Katie’s hair wasn’t done to the usual standard Rach insists on. We all ran out the house, still got to school on time and the most important thing….we were all laughing when we got there. Don’t know what all the fuss is about, morning’s are a piece of cake. Tomorrow we’ll be watching Doctor Who for three hours before school.

31st March

So today was waayyy better than yesterday morning. I made the lunches last night, still got distracted with Crossy Road this morning but we all managed to get out the house with presentable hair, the right (and nicely ironed) uniform and no tears. I think the words I’m looking for are “nailed it.” Not that I’m getting over confident as I now have a BIG problem. We went to the dentist after school and he pulled out two of Jade’s very loose teeth. They are under her pillow waiting for the usual money, beautifully written note from the tooth fairy along with the magical bag of fairy dust that always accompanies it. Does anyone have the phone number for the tooth fairy? Rach? Somehow I don’t think a few dirty pound coins is going to cut it. Man needing help in Park Street urgently. Anyone……… Oh, also to put yesterday into perspective, after a weekend of parties I’m always finished on Monday and for some reason I chose to completely redecorate the house the same time I’m on my own with the girls. Well, not physically decorate myself but supervise the man with a brush and lug around lots of furniture and bits of junk. Still need the number for the tooth fairy….

1st April

Oh dear. I got lulled into a false sense of security after yesterday’s success and today was an unmitigated disaster. I’ve found out a good way to avoid the Crossy Road distraction issue, just wake up at 6.30 and get it out the way. Breakfast and lunches are now a breeze and done in a timely fashion. The problem is currently clothes. Where the hell are they? Rach always makes sure the girl’s clothes and uniform are on hangers in their rooms all ready for the morning. Me, hangers / shangers. I just have one question, where have all the clothes disappeared to? I’ve looked in the washing machine (empty), dirty washing basket (fullish), clothes line, drawers and nothing. No bras, trousers, tights or skirts. Seriously, I think Rach has hidden them to sabotage my attempt to make this look easy. As a result the girls have gone to school looking like street urchins and Katie’s hair resembles Bellatrix from Harry Potter again but on the bright side….we were still laughing. Oh and Katie’s recorder has disappeared. Maybe the tooth fairy borrowed it last night to use as a canoe. Thank you Moira for driving here to make sure they weren’t three hours late for school. Onwards and upwards, just need to find where Rach has hidden all the clothes.

2nd April

I can tell you now that I’m not very optimistic about today running smoothly as I’ve only had 3 hours sleep and I can’t lie in because of the lunches and breakfasts to make and hidden uniform to find. I was going to get everything ready last night but had to put the kitchen back together again after having it painted and hanging out a mountain of washing to dry (the most boring and life sapping job there is) so didn’t get to bed till 1am. I then woke up at 4am trying to work out how I’m going to get Jade and Katie’s rooms cleared of everything to paint their rooms and put carpet down whilst still having somewhere to sleep. I’m seriously considering borrowing a tent so we can sleep in the garden. After the carpet goes down we’ll have 4 hours to get it all back (including a 8 piece wardrobe the size of Belgium) before leaving for the airport to pick Rach up. Oh and in between all this my brother and his family are arriving from Canada on Sunday so I’ll be spending most of the time with them. Bottom line, I feel like death and have 40 mins to get the girls out the house then have the Easter concert, Jade’s piano exam, dropping her at a sleepover, taking Katie to sushi for a special treat and preparing for a party tomorrow and calling everyone for next weekend’s parties………snnff (that’s the sound of me gently crying whilst rocking backwards and forwards in a corner).

7th April

*Please dont comment or like this post* Ok, now I’m really desperate. I’ve had to delete Rach as a friend so she won’t see this. Due to the 5 layers of wallpaper in Katie’s bedroom we had to remove amongst other issues I’m now massively behind. I can’t get everything done in the next two days unless I have some major help. I need a plumber to change 2 radiators, someone to hang wallpaper in Katie’s room and as many people as I can find to help with painting and general sorting. If you know any good plumbers and wallpaper people please let me know. If you’re free tomorrow to help paint etc I’ll love you forever and give you lots of food and drink as a thank you. Ok, deep breath…..back to the temporary insanity that is my life right now.

9th April (9.30am)

Last night as a very special treat (and due to our current space situation) all three of us slept in my bed together. It was beautiful and almost poetic. We lay there talking about the last 12 days and how special it had been. We talked about Rachel and how we were all so excited to be seeing her again. What had also made the evening beautifully poetic was finally getting the 73rd and final character on Crossy Road. When I came to bed about an hour later and looked at them sleeping peacefully I felt a tear in my eye. It was emotional and as my eyes gently closed I looked forward to a lovely night’s sleep. What could possibly go wrong? It started off with Katie’s finger somehow poking me in the eye and then punching me as she was shouting out in her sleep. Jade then kicked me and I was constantly fighting to stay on the bed as they both wriggled around like King wriggle heads. As for covers, that was a joke and finally at 4am I was completely wide awake. Unfortunately so were the girls and I discovered that none of us had really slept. I then fell over four times, stepped on carpet nails and got disorientated and trapped inside Katie’s duvet cover as I attempted to cover her duvet. I ended up sleeping in Katie’s room on the floor boards along with the strong paint fumes from the freshly painted skirting boards. As I’m sitting here now after very little sleep, with the girls who are even more tired and who’ve been fighting since they woke up I’m looking to the day ahead and all I need to do. Although my instinct is to sit in a corner crying whilst eating copious amounts of pizza and chocolate I’m not going to do that. I’m going to be positive and face the day with love, dignity and energy (along with a few cans of Red Bull). We leave to get Rach from the airport in 9 hours and I have the world’s busiest day ahead of me so I will bid you farewell and will see you on the other side.

9th April (5pm)

It’s ok, we can talk now as Rach is somewhere over Turkey. Leaving for the airport in 90 mins and the Belgium sized wardrobe is back in Jade’s room. I’ve had 7 Mcvitie Club biscuits and I keep seeing floating pandas. Getting there slowly but I desperately need someone to come and clean the bathroom for me. Free ice cream included.

9th April (10.35pm)

I’m currently lying on my bed unable to move and barely able to speak. Our mission today was to mend the house back together again. Things didn’t start well when we tried to have showers this morning as the hot water was turned off yesterday when the radiators were installed and I forgot to turn it back on. Cold showers never bothered me anyway. That’s a lie actually, they do bother me but at least it woke me up. The girl’s carpets were put in and along with my dad we managed to put everything back together. My mum was also on hand to supervise the girls sorting their stuff out. Just when I started thinking how amazingly smoothly today had gone I discovered there was to be one final ‘moment.’ In a hurry to shower and get ready to leave in time for the airport I stripped down to my red Calvin Kleins and quickly hoovered the lounge and hall before jumping in the shower. As I’m standing there in red pants with a hoover in my hands my neighbour suddenly appeared at the door (which was wide open as the girls were waiting to get in the car.) He looked at me then half looked away in embarrassment and asked if the bin men were coming tomorrow. I just said I had no clue and ran upstairs for a shower. Will definitely be avoiding him for a while. We picked Rach up, convinced her we hadn’t done anything in the house which she pretended to believe. We then got home and I’ve never seen the girls so excited as they showed off their new pink rooms. It’s been an adventure, it’s been emotional and I’ve learned valuable lessons about ensuring ready supplies of underwear are easily available.

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