Last weekend Mrs Banana Head went away for a few days and once again I was left solely in charge of the girls. What could possibly go wrong? Here’s what transpired in the first few hours.
I was awake at 7.15am feeling very relaxed knowing that a) As the house was relatively tidy I knew where all the clothes were (see All of our Underwear is Missing to understand more) and b) we had 3 1/2 hours before having to leave for the girls’ dancing classes. We decided to be ready by 10am so we’d have time to snuggle up on the sofa and watch the latest episode of Once Upon A Time on Netflix.
7.30: Katie comes downstairs crying with a split lip and blood everywhere. Jade had gone to cuddle her and somehow accidentally punched her in the face! Twenty mins spent calming her down and stemming the waterful of blood.
8am: Thirty five mins deciding / debating / arguing what lip balms, clothes, books, toys etc can be taken to Grandma and Grandpa Banana Head for their sleepover tonight.
8.45: After a reminder that we have just over an hour to go before Once, Jade inexplicably decided she wanted to make a swiss roll on her own without any help. She made one at school this week and now felt empowered to do anything. Against my better judgement I said she could. Who was I to stifle the ambition of the next Delia Smith. Jade was so excited she almost exploded. I was more concerned about it all going wrong and the oven exploding. This happened to me during my first term at catering college so we have form for it in the family!
9.30: Swiss roll made and mess everywhere, (and I mean everywhere) including Jade’s freshly washed hair, inside the fridge, all over the floor and the downstairs toilet. Jade promises to tidy it all up in “one second.”
9.31: One second later, Jade disappears.
9.45: Absolute pandimonium upstairs with clothes everywhere with general panic ensuing.
9.50: I ask them if they’re ready and they both reply: “One second.”
10: (600 seconds later), Katie’s crying again as her hair’s gone all wrong. I offer to do it for her and this is met with complete disdain. Meltdown commences.
10.05: Meltdown in full swing. Jade almost trying her best not to, but makes jokes about Katie’s hair knowing it will her more wound up. Sisters eh!
10.20: Meltdown slowing down and Jade offers to do Katie’s hair for her. The brush catches it awkwardly which starts the crying off again.
10.30: They both tell me they’re ready but I then discover they didn’t have a wash last night or if they did they were the quickest and least effective washes in history.
10.45: Now washed and smelling Spring fresh I’m filled with sadness that we didn’t get the chance to snuggle up on the couch and watch Once Upon A Time. I tell them it’s time to leave. As we walk out the door Jade turns round and says, “But we haven’t had breakfast yet!” BAD DADDY.
10.50: Very quickly scoff down some Coco Pops and have a drink of water.
11: With both girls complaining of indigestion we grab the two Trunkies, 6 bags for dancing, Sunday school and general overnight fun, oh and Jade’s swiss roll we jump in the car and shoot off to dancing.
11.01: I see Jade’s holding her toothbrush and toothpaste in her hand. Apparantly she didn’t have time to do them earlier. Clearly she needed to be up around 3am to get everything done.
11.10: We arrive at the dancing class with Jade almost in tears as the toothpaste she’s been holding in her mouth for ten minutes is very spicey.
11.11: With the girls dropped off with enough luggage for a trip to Everest Base Camp I spend the next five minutes in the car park sobbing gently and rocking back and forth like a crazy person.
The four hours since I woke up have seemed like 4 days. Hopefully Mrs Banana Head wasn’t reading all this on Facebook but was enjoying her spiritual retreat instead. With any luck, just like Po in Kung Fu Panda, she was finding inner peace.
Update at 7.40pm. Jade called me from Sainsburys. Apparently both of them forgot to take any leggings for Sunday and so Grandma had to buy them some now.
Please understand that rather than being rubbish and not checking what they had packed I was empowering them by trusting them to do it themselves.